Koshana

So there’s this woman see – lets call her Punkin because its short and sounds like a really bright and healthy thing . . . and after many years of centering and focusing – after many years before THAT of making some really bad choices in men – meets a man. (Prince charming or arsehole in tinfoil??? Stay tuned to find out!She’s trying to take things slow but he isn’t and he’s VERY good and before you know it they’re in love (and you thought it was going to be THAT kind of story! ……) 

Apply all the platitudes you like here – they’re compatible in every way - rocking the world! But comfortable with each other too. But the man doesn’t really WANT to be in love because love has come to equal hurt to him (most of which he knows he inflicts) and so he starts sabotaging. Ha-ha! But this Punkin has done her own fair portion of relationship sabotage in her life so she pushes back – no you wont! And in this tries to raise them both above the level of drama and endless break-ups!

But the bumps arrive – she finds missives from other women describing how he looked with her legs around his neck and poetry by others with the same smutty nonsense. Now at this point any normal girl with her head screwed on would run . . and she did sprint a little right at first, but as soon as the shock wore off she decides to try a different approach to life this time. She’s come be believe that there are lessons in everything – and to flee the class because of the dress-sense of a teacher does not honour the process of truly learning life's lessons and so she sticks it out – through three dozen floosies and countless lies – hoping to become a better person, rise above her ego and find true unconditional love – if not for herself then at least in herself – for someone else. And its all sore – it grates and bleeds and tears her heart out, but she still loves the man . . . although maybe respects him a little less with each lie.

She offers her man time and again the freedom of distance, to just remain his friend in truth and leave him to his cheap thrills – but he stays – promising more and more truth – he says he cant change overnight but is trying.She certainly has her own faults but she’s determined to stay the distance somewhere believing that there MUST be good in believing in someone. Punkin is not a "quitter" and so she believes that by NOT "throwing him away" she can show him that he doesn't have too protect his heart so much.

Far too often she thinks people cut and run before time, they don’t stay long enough to learn the lessons inherent in the experiences and therefore are just destined to repeat them over and over . . . . so she stays and loves and understands and loves some more. Thinking through each lesson, trying to understand what makes this man – so seemingly Prince Charming-like – hurt so many people.

One of his flings – we’ll call her the Slinky Queen because that’s what she calls everyone else and projection is the truest reflection – has latched on though and become obsessed. She calls and messages him at all hours and is truly pathological in her pursuit of him. She writes smutty poetry, glorifying their indiscretion and making sure Punkin will see it – she throws everything at securing his love and because she sees Punkin as "the enemy to that delusional love- also into causing as many problems as she can between Punkin and her man. Slinky really makes a fool of herself completely and of course Punkin is upset. Though she’s forgiven the side-order issue, she doesn’t need to have it rubbed in her face everyday.

He does little to defend her from Slinky, bowing out saying its all “drama” – but then the Slinky changes her tactics and offers him money . . . . and that’s a tough one  for him to turn down. She buys him tyres for his car and business opportunities . . . she’s desperate now the Slinky is – she pokes and prods till she finds a winning attraction – something that will keep his attention - money!While Punkin doesn't judge him for this . . . . it does raise the question . .  if that tactic got her some positive response .  . . . what does that mean about his motivations with her . .  . ugly thoughts! and so she banishes them . . . .but they echo regardless . . .

Punkin believes him when he tells her that if he WAS going to be with someone else it would NEVER be Slinky. He says if she’s stupid enough to throw things at him when he never sees her and never calls her, then really it is her problem. With each lie uncovered she’s also deluded into believing that there aren’t anymore lies to find, and hoping they’ve reached some level of truth – she would persevere. Not only for the lessons, because she can certainly feel there are many here to learn, but also for the man who she sees - outside of his completely pathological behavior around “women” –  so much brilliance and magnificent potential in and believes with all her heart that he can realize it!

At first Punkin comes to despise the Slinky and her antics – with each hurt at first she is angrier – but when enough hurt has past and she’s lying quivering on the floor - she reconnects with truth and knows that what she hates in the woman is that part of her that is being LIKE that woman – she is also giving to this man and sticking with this man in spite of how he treats her, and in his words that is just “her problem too”. She sees the reflection of her own experience in this woman she had felt required to do battle with – and feels pity but also realizes how the man will never demonstrate respect and love for any woman, until she gives it to herself first. But the lies continue and he gets mad when she doesn’t believe him. Punkin is a smart girl, but it takes her a long time to figure out she’s been used, manipulated, lied to all along. The final step on this journey starts with Punkin happening upon a Slinky poem, describing how she will never be mad at him for cheating on her, never be mad at him for being lied to . . . . how only she will every understand him and accept him for who he is. In a phrase “pick me, pick me for I have no self-respect!” Punkin cringes for the woman and her words strewn out in public space – how humiliating to be so self-deprecating. But perhaps some people have to give and demand unconditional love and relationship because they know they could never meet the basic requirements for even the most basic conditions. But then – thinks Punkin – who would we want to be better people for – how would we ever grow if people just embraced our lies and any pain we cause the world. And this poor Slinky obviously just goes from one unfaithful relationship to another and is stuck in self-loathing herself - no matter how much she tries to overcompensate for it ........and suddenly its all clear to her.......

Her man and the Slinky deserve each other. She is a mean person who gets her thrills by causing pain to others – like that mean girl in school that always made everyone else cry – and so SHE deserves to be lied to and to get all his floosie’s std’s. And he refuses to grow and be a better person, he WANTS to be free to lie to everyone all the time. And she is offering him just that – a stagnant life of breaking hearts and conquering strange vagina’s – with a “good woman” to come home to who wont mind because she has no self respect and probably doesn’t believe she deserves any better – and really, isn’t that just what he wants? They say men are attracted to women who make them feel good about themselves . . . . and he obviously doesn’t feel that good about himself if he needs the conquests to keep his ego whole. He also really has no respect for or genuine caring for woman in general, but rather hates all women at some level (as pure "women" and not friends or colleagues) because of issues around his father. But the pathetic Slinky who is willing to sacrifice all her self-respect just for the opportunity to be the one he lies to and sleeps around on – now next to that he’ll feel like a prince!

A joyfilled, honest, productive and peaceful life is what Punkin wants – not all this drama and disrespect and there have been many lessons learned from sticking her heart in a mincer and pasting it back together again . . . but now that heart feels “holey” and permeated. This time when he breaks her heart it breaks along the old breaklines and she’s almost used to the tears and the aches now . . . . almost ………… Whereas once the Punkin felt that victory would have been to banish the evil Slinky, she looks back and sees that it was her that was wrong. She allowed the disrespect and dishonour for so long, when he COULD have been directing all his lies at the one who WANTED to be lied to – is so self-deprecating that she WANTS her heart stepped on - and goes out of her way to hurt others so really probably Karmically could have used the pain herself.

But Punkin has no regrets (except for a few angry words she wishes she had never stooped to their level to utter). It was a good run and she learnt SO MUCH! What misogynistic tendencies really look like up close, a volume about herself and womanhood. That you can love someone unconditionally but always make their PLACE in your life conditional upon some basic decencies of humanity – like honesty and loyalty and that there is nothing in the world that is worth your self-respect. That there are people in this world whose only version of truth is what they create to serve their own ends – and that when you see someone you love “playing” others  - don’t breathe a sigh of relief that you’re “in here” and they’re “out there”– because in reality - you’re probably been getting played too.

Punkin once asked her man what he would do if they were not together – since he’d be using the excuse of being “unable” to get out of the relationship with her as an excuse to not get into a relationship with the Slinky. She was thinking that the only way to help the Slinky face facts was to take herself out of the picture. He replied that he wouldn’t tell her – he would make sure she didn’t know – and would let the Slinky keep believing that Punkin was the reason he couldn’t be with her. Remembering these words Punkin thinks its almost a pity that her man was really telling the truth that he did not want the Slinky, and that if he wanted to be with her he would have from the start  . . . for there is some unholy place in the Punkin that would be gently appeased by knowing that it was the Slinky being lied to and run around on . . . but no doubt her man will just continue to consume hearts, play with his life and others – and lie to everyone he meets. And its this that’s the saddest part – that she is walking away with lessons, memories and some wisdom – but he is unlikely to have learned anything. But she’s also taking away mounds of humiliation, mountains of hurt and disappointment – and he’s got none of those so perhaps there is balance in that. . . .

Perhaps the most fundamental moral of the story - gently anchored in absolute now – is that infidelity, disloyalty and even an occasional untruth can be overcome – by stepping off the ego and with understanding - but consistent dishonesty destroys even the fundamental trust that even friendship demands and if there isn't even friendship - what is there?There’s always hope, Punkin knows this – that some kind of friendship could come out of this – but that’s another journey . . . . . . . . for now the Punkin can be found licking her wounds, reclaiming her self-respect and finding a way to stop the waterworks . . . . So if you can take anything from this episode of "A moment in the life of a Punkin" and not have to go through it yourself to realize the absolute value of trust and the incomparable value of self-respect - then this moment will have served an even higher cause - to save someone from pain and Punkin will treasure her tears all the more that they gave peace or even joy to the world . . . somewhere out there . . . .

There really is no time like the present; today tells you all you need to know about Life the Universe and Everything! Staying IN IT however, is not always as easy at it sounds. .. . I mean - where else would you go? But we do don't we, we phase out of this moment in our dreams, in our fantasies, through out addictions and obsessions . . . "escapism" comes in all forms.

Survival often depends on not really facing the truth of our now - especially when we're bogged down with fear and insecurity - so we latch on to whatever will take our focus away from our present fears and focus them elsewhere.

Looking back, I can see this so clearly - times when I stepped so often out of my present moments that in reality, my life went into stasis.

One significant and very consuming example for me was all about a man - and not about him at all perhaps - but a time when I made it all about him. I was looking for direction, a "what for?" and there he was. Almost a decade ago now, my old life lying in ruins, I built compelling tomorrows with a vision of "us" and at the time, doing this gave me a reason to move forward. It wasn't out of nothing (no illusions that I'm unbalanced now! J) - we had a short but incredible time together as well as a long history of friendship before that and while we had physical presence as a foundation originally, he lived far away and so for 5 years I kept a "relationship", a hope, a series of imagined tomorrows, alive between us. And they gave me the strength to go on. It wasn't the type of interaction that brings "bunny boiling" to mind, I would call, text, write occasionally and always stay in touch with his life - certain in my core that while he was off doing what he had to in that day, for us there was always going to be a tomorrow. I sent him care packages and to be fair - he never did dissuade my efforts - perhaps certain that I would give up eventually. He has a sister locally who I loved to bits and I did all I could to make sure she was ok - 5 years, so many hours, so much dreaming and imagining of a future that lived only in my mind. I gave everything I had to the relationship that really only I was in, and all I really got from it was what I imagined around it. I had his friendship, sporadically and when it served him - but for the most part - I cringe to admit - it was all me.

Perhaps it was a sense of security, a feeling of safety that allowed me one day to really look around and realize that in this new and vibrant life I'd created for "us" - he wasn't a feature, and in reality, he'd probably never truly wanted to be. While he'd received and maybe enjoyed the attention, care and input, his life had evolved in a whole new direction and for a long time, hadn't included any thoughts of me.

When I opened my eyes I cringed at the memory of the messages, of the seemingly pathetic picture I must have made - woman clinging to a picture of a man who had long since deleted all the pictures of her - and then life gave me a new mirror - a perspective I could embrace from the other side . . . .

After the breakthrough of releasing half a decade of delusions, I moved on with my life and a new partner entered my world. Complex, complicated man with baggage of his own and no shortness of challenges - our relationship is unconventional and challenging on so many levels, like most of the human race - but despite a few separations we're still together . . . stumbling through our days. This man shows up, everyday - he's a part of every moment. In opposition to my imaginary partner before him, I have no pictures of tomorrow with this man - everything we are is based in the moment - everything is about today.

Early on we separated and for a few weeks he wildly sowed some wild oats. Fortunately the experience did highlight for him how good we were together (and perhaps how many off-kilter women there are out there J). I could have been amused by the one woman who faked a pregnancy to try to hold onto him, or the flurry of music dedications and declarations of undying love - but from that time emerged one woman who clung to him ferociously and whom he - for the longest time - wouldn't tell me the truth about.

Long after we were back together, this woman hung around, sending him messages morning and night, writing him poetry and even publishing a book for him. Fidelity is obviously is grey area between us and women adore him and almost literally chase him in droves (in context it is the issue that's hounded all his past relationships too so it's a bit of a quagmire), but fortunately I'm not a jealous type - or I never had been before and really, the other women he'd been with at this time - bouncing around between them - didn't bother me but any incident involving this one particular woman seemed to press every one of my buttons.

The American Indians teach us that those who challenge us the most, are our greatest teachers and so after a while, and really wanting to understand my own responses - I finally realized that this woman's unrelenting attachment to my partner was really a mirror of the 5 years of my illogical attachment to the man before.

It took truth first, to separate out my anger at the dishonesty and the hiding. But he did at last tell me everything - even showed me the messages from her morning and night - and proof that he never responds so further distrust was not at the bottom of my ire. It wasn't a newly developed foray into jealousy either I concluded since if I was a jealous person, I would have left long ago for she's not alone in her admiration of him. There definitely is an element of dislike in the picture, certainly - I don't like the woman. There is an element of meanness in her - which I simply don't accept in anyone - she would never pass up the opportunity to cause me pain or rub their history in my face - but beyond all that human frailty, judgement and drama - there's just a woman - afraid to face the truth of her aloneness, afraid to deal with life in today and building her tomorrows around something compelling enough to take her into tomorrow.

Just like the object of my delusions did, my partner now never responds to her. He doesn't answer her calls or respond to her messages - and yet she carries on taking complete responsibility for the continuation of their "relationship" that exists on in her head. In hearing him talk of her - I've gained such a rich perspective of my own period of delusion. I would ask him if he wanted to be with her - not in anger, but to understand and his response, that if he wanted to be with her, he would have long ago - and that if he truly felt anything for her, he would have gone to her - echo for me what the man in my own delusion must have been saying to the women in his life all those years ago when my messages, care packages or mails arrived.

Unlike her, I did not know of his involvement with others, and would never have interfered with other relationships if I had known, this one doesn't have that level of sensitivity to the world - and yet, I cannot help but have compassion for her.

My partner is a deeply passionate man, with a significant romantic side - and he's a Leo - so wont be bullied or pressured into anything he doesn't choose. But he's also a caring person - and doesn't quite have it clear yet how standing in your truth doesn't necessarily have to come with mountains of guilt from hurting people. I know he would truly be with her if he wanted to - nothing would hold him back - and after a year of being with him almost 24 hours out of almost every day, I absolutely know he's only with me because he chooses to be - but this woman has built the delusion for herself that the only reason he's not with her is that somehow I manipulate him into staying - she's even suggested that I buy him off somehow. I understand now that she has to believe this to maintain the delusion of their "destined togetherness" - the alternative - that he just doesn't want to be with her - is just too much for her to bear. I did the same with my fantasy man - always making excuses in my mind for why he didn't respond, always explaining away to myself how he would if he could but at that moment . . . he had to be carrying on with the life he had chosen miles away.

My messages weren't morning and night like this one's are, but I imagine like my partner says now - he must also have said "she'll give up and get over it eventually". He even gets annoyed at any mention of her now - "I'm here aren't I? I spend all my time with you! How could she be anywhere?" because for him this moment is real, this place in now is where he is. But I understand that her world is alive in her fantasies, the dreaming that takes her out of the life she doesn't want to face head-on . . . and in her world - he's right there.

I also judged the man of my delusions for so long for NOT letting me know we had no future, but my partner now just doesn't want to deal with it either. I can see he doesn't want to cause pain - and I'm sure at some level he enjoys the attention - but he remains convinced that if he ignores it long enough, it will go away.

But as the story around the poor bunny who got boiled tells us, we should never underestimate the power of obsession and the frailty of the human condition - and while our stories may hold many gifts of understanding for me - I don't for a moment feel I know just how unbalanced this woman truly is. But if her story is anything like mine - one day she will get to a place where she does feel safe, and she will look around and know that it really is only her in her "relationship" and hopefully she will have built a life worth living alone - and be able to move on.

I do know, had I allowed her obsession to destroy my relationship with this man, and had I not stepped back and seen the picture from other angles, I would have missed so many valuable truths - and I would certainly have missed falling asleep in his arms.

This is something I heard a long time ago - "enough is the moment unto itself" - and it really lead me to an experience of and understanding of "enough" that I had never touched before.

As an addictive personality, I always avoided complete presence - I was always distracting myself from the experience of a true present with all sorts of distractions. Its like having a hole in your soul that nothing ever seems to satiate . . . . so nothing is ever "enough" of an experience to deliver a true present . . . unless its extreme experience that demands a true presence . . . . 

When I eventually discovered that it was the quality of MY attention and presence in a moment that determined the quality of my experience - I truly discovered the secret of "enough". Enough is always just all of yourself in a moment - open, receptive and listening to what life has to show you and tell you in a moment. Life can NEVER be lacking when we truly show up - with all of ourselves . . . in fact it is often overwhelming in its intensity.

Although I used to live in avoidance of the moment - its been so long now of just showing up and embracing moments, that I had forgotten what it even looked like to NOT want to be fully present. Sometimes when there's something we fear - we hold back from experiences and in that way make them less .  . .and so life has shown me again what it looks like NOT to want to be present in a moment with my eyes wide open and experiencing every nuance - in truth! And for the second time, I truly know that there is nothing that compares with true honest present experience . . .

Enough is the moment unto itself . . . . if your attention and presence are committed to the moment . . . .if not, you're only ever living pieces of your life. 

And to everyone who has lost the experience of a true present - I truly believe that just by putting "out there" the intention to reclaim your true present . . . life will guide you back to your truth . . . and there is truly nothing that compares!

 Love and light

Hello world (in general . . . . even universe if any friendly Martian happens to surf on by :-)

It seems that people all over are having a harder time of life in general . . . but there's a unity of suffering that's coming out of that that seems to be forming some kind of foundation for recognising the intrinsic unity of humanity . . . . and within that perspective, I feel so blessed - so certain that really our faith and imaginings - good or bad - really do help to create our reality.

I've been doing a great job of creating a great reality lately - in business, in friends . . . . and I really had reached a level of presence and peace that had me picking out my wings and halo and getting ready to ascend! :-) And life just has such a sense of humour doesn't it? Its in the areas of our deepest choas (interpersonal relationships) that really highlight any cracks in the plaster isn't it?

 I wonder sometimes at the connundrum of thought - overthinking vrs not enough thinking etc etc. Sometimes just doing really does give perspective . . .and yet unthought-out action can really be dangerous. So where is the balance? Think  . . .. ahh yes, but then there's a point where one just has to DO - and not expect perfection of ourselves. 

And sometimes in the spaces between the thinking, life sends us gifts - little messages and inspirations - that add to the process of digestion and we end up with a more complete picture. . . . Last eve - taking a break from contemplating a rather difficult complexity - the movie "V" offered me a pearl of wisdom in the line that all we need is an inch of absolute integrity - but within that inch - whatever happens, we are absolutely free. 

I'm absolutely sure on this score - this life is all about YOU (or from my perspective of course - ME) - its really not about anyone else, and anything anyone else brings up for you is YOUR challenge to overcome. You have to make your choices in absolute integrity in YOUR own life and space, and let everyone else have the space to do the same without judgement . . . . .simple concept - challenging application. But what a different world it would be if people actually did that!

 Love and light all - keep passing open windows!

There's a quote in a book I'm reading about how relationships come to you to show you the things you've disowned in yourself. One of the roots of so much conflict in relationship is projection, seeing things reflected in another person that you really have not come to terms with in yourself. When you can truly embrace - holistically - the people that manifest the things in you that are your challenge to work through, that's when you know you've reached a point of self-acceptance that is healthy.

I have a very dear friend that is attracted to women in general - and could possibly wear the label CAD . . . but here's the thing - in reaching a level of acceptance and faith in his process, the gift to me is acceptance of all my past missteps and faith in my own process. I really do know that when we choose love and welcoming and trust over rejection, fear and anger, we open ourselves to receive incredible gifts that truly deepen our experience of living.

Apreciate everyone and everything in your life and celebrate it - and life will give you joy and peace in abundance in return. Anger is easy, love is the prize worth fighting for!

Hey there beautiful fellow planet-dwellers!

I stumbled on a fantastic book a few weeks ago that has me in a particularly Zen frame of mind - its called Seeds for the Soul and the author has the unfortunate name of Chuck Hilling. Don't be put off . . . I know, the idea that a fellow called Chuck could have any profundities to offer the world at large may be a stumbling block for a few, but nestled within those pages are words of wisdom that came to me at the perfect moment - to give me just what I needed to overcome a particular challenge.

We're in a world littered with ideas on how to go out there and create what you want, manifest, secure and claim! . . .. Have you ever noticed however that the VERY BEST things in life are the ones you dream of, plan for . . and then effortlessly manifest? I forget this one quite a lot - A-type personality here with a perfectionist frame of reference and yet when I remember - to "let go and let God" - the most beautiful things really do fall into place effortlessly.

I heard of a workshop once where people would find the word or phrase (or verb) that - if implemented in their lives would bring them joy and peace . . . . I have to think my word is still "stop". Stop all the efforting and the DOings . . . . . and try BEing more, immersed in faith and dressed with gratitude.

Like the air, water, our babyhood basics, what will truly serve us will come to us effortlessly . .. . and be perfect!

Don't forget either to celebrate the perfect people in your life - and everyone with whom you share a bond of love and respect IS perfect! Just as you are in this present moment J

Keep passing open windows all!

It came to me the other day when I was musing over a relationship that had had loads of potential and promise, but just didn't get off to a good start. Funny how in life we are willing to give something a go (bike-riding perhaps) and if we slip, we pick ourselves up and carry on again - but somehow in relationship there is this assumption that since the best part of a relationship is supposed to be in the very beginning (the assumed hot and headdy period) then if something goes wrong in the beginning, it should be tickets for that and off we go to find annother "victim" :-).

I was cooking at the time and I made the connection for myself between relationships and "cooking partners". You choose a recipe together and both arrive with a set of ingredients which, if added together would possibly make a great dish. But then you burn the onions first off . . . . so what do you do? Throw out the recipe? Start again with a new cooking partner? Well no, logic suggests that we throw out the spoiled bit, learn from it and start again. If all the right ingredients WERE there (of course if something fundamental is missing then finding a new partner IS one way to go . . . but even perhaps sharing what is missing can encourage the other to bring it in . . . . . )

Dont know how far we could stretch the analogy, but I'm thinking that people give up on each other far too easily and as a result, there's seldom much deep ego-less sharing that goes on.

Here it is from a girl who is so tired of the "getting to know you" process that she avidly avoids new people! Unless your cooking partner truly turns up with less ingredients than you can possibly stand - hang in there and take the blame out of the process. Afterall, allowing others and ourselves room to mess up from time to time makes us all incredibly healthy and human doesn't it?

I'm still sure that the cooking partner of my dreams is out there somewhere - probably making an inedible stew with someone else right now - and I choose to believe that he's not here yet - because we both need to be that much more fabulous for each other than we would be today - dont the best things take the longest to cook? :-)

Keep passing open windows!

Hey there earthlings (and any other planetary beings that may - by some random miracle - may have ended up here too)

So here we all are - and this it seems is LIFE - well this dimension and soon-to-be historical excerpt of it anyway - and as times go . . . it's a pretty amazing time to be alive. Techno-boom, the Promise of World Peace (or the conceptual hope of it anyway) - discovering the miraculous power of the "self" - exploring equality, ploughing into the true meaning of freedom... what a day!

And so we turn up, in the cafeteria of LIFE and we project a holographic menu of possibilities - all recordings of things we've seen, experienced, viewed on TV or heard about . . .. and we send our orders out to the Cosmic Kitchen. Hmmmm, yeah! I'll have one of those!  Ooops, no wait . . . one of THOSE would be much better . . . and then ten minutes later . . . no wait - forget that . . . I'd much rather one of these . . .

And the Angelic Dudes and Dudettes scuttle back and forth amending, rearranging and adjusting our orders till their notepads are an illiterate mess and I imagine them all sitting down en mass and waiting for something that sounds like a finite decision that will last for more than a day . . . . some of these orders take a reeeeally long time to cook up too . . .and the liklhood of us fickle-hearted fashion junkie human beings NOT canceling a really tough order before it even GETS to manifest is about 90%. So just IMAGINE how much energy is going to waste!

The core issue here is - what on earth do we actually want?? And then its what do we really want Enough to give time and space for it to manifest? We've by now heard most of the positive thinking guru's and their diatribes about creating whatever you want - and I for one KNOW this to be true . . . .I don't even think that's the hard part. The hard part is wading through all the "must's" "should" "could's" of social conditioning and the flavour of this moment to what you, as your unique and self-nurturing self, REALLY WANT - and to figure that our you have to take that journey into the realm of "what if?".

What if anything were possible? What if you could do whatever you chose to . . . what if you could say anything? Clearing the slates of the must, could and should paradigms there's just you and this moment - now what if?

A lot of it is a journey . . . finding out what we really want. A friend of mine recently thought she wanted A particular man for just one day . . . or two or three but not really for anything close to a change of seasons. Along the way she discovered that really, she was dishonouring her truth - TO HERSELF - so how can we be honest with the Universe if we don't take the time to take ourselves aside and ask ourselves honestly, really deepy and truly, what we REALLY want.

Honesty is so often the glue that holds clarity and peace in place, and if we cant be honest with ourselves - we stand to hurt others along the way that buy into the lies we've told ourselves. The man who imagines he wants to be in a relationship only to find out when he gets there that really, that wasn't what he really wanted at all, or the woman who really wants to find a way to get her husband back and ends up having an affair with a man who reminds her of who she ell in love with in the first place.

What do we really want? Its possibly the most important question facing mankind today - especially in the light of knowing that if we could figure it out, for more than a few moments - the likelihood is we could manifest all of it . . . . . which means going down a few layers too.

Me? I want a home of my own again . . . but I'm not sure that I want to live alone in it. I want a new car . . . but I really don't know if I care what it is as long as it meets a few choice requirements. I want a man who's not afraid to show me who he is and stand naked before me and show me his soul . . . . and I'd like to know that this man will be around for all my tomorrows. I've done all the complex things now (or at least all the complex things that I thought were interesting) and I find myself drifting closer to simplicity. Clarity, knowing, love and simplicity. Simple beautiful human living immersed in success productivity and generosity. And while I know that I want all this in my quiet moments - the ton of sophisticated b/s that floats through my mind in moments during any one given day would also be giving the Cosmic Kitchen servers the hardest possible time!

I'm thinking perhaps its better to keep our Cosmic Kitchen orders to the big - blanket stuff. I want to be happy, make other people happy and heal some corner of the world. I want to dance with joy and give joy - smile much and nurture good wholesome friendships. Perhaps if we stick to the big things - the things that make our sould a little bit brighter and leave the form of the delivery up to the Universe, perhaps then we wont need to be changing the orders every few days/minutes and maybe, just maybe, we'll find the peace we all truly long for.

Just a thought ....... use it, don't . . . . whatever. :-)

Keep passing open windows.

I admit I have a particularly dark and twisty relationship with the opposite sex - my programming on the matter was - while quite common for this day and age - less than ideal and I experienced "regular guys" - not from the perspective of a "girl" but from within the boy camp. I was too tall and different to play out the boy-girl dynamic as a child, so I advised my guy-friends on how to impress the girls and arranged secret hook-ups between the particpants of budding romances.

Decades later, I'm more of a "girl" than I ever was and I realize I missed out on all the gentle boy-girl forays. I can apreciate boys now from another place - all those cars, bikes, pictures of half-naked cover-girls and rock posters are not nearly as sleazy as the social judgement polls seem to suggest they are. What would we prefer ladies? Pictures of bunny rabbits and old men?

Of course we want the chaps to apreciate the female form, enoy speed, thumping rock music and admire zippy bikes - its what makes them the guys we love! Of course there's a line where it all gets sleazy and completely unappealing, but any well-balanced chap will find that line for himself. 

My personal favourite is the identification with "warroirs" of old - dragon-slayers and Knights in shining armor. What a better way for a chap to demonstrate that he does indeed have a "warrior spirit" than to load a game of slaying baddies on Wii and feel like a champion.

I think the majority of men have a long way to go before they find the best expression of the male essence in todays world - where they can be secure in their manhood and not be intimidated by strong women or each other . . . see themselves each and all as unique expressions of an energy that women have loved for centuries . . .but I do think the path to there is littered with loud rock music, dragon-slaying and discreet artwork that glorifies and doesn't disrespect the female form.

There's such nobility in the evolved man, and personally, I cant wait for the majority of men to get out of their own way and find it!

Addiction - Symptom or affliction?

This I know for sure - addiction is not the worst possible reaction to finding the world overwhelming. If you looked around you in your childhood and early teens and felt like the only one of your circle of friends or family that didn't get a copy of whatever elusive instruction book everyone else seemed to have ingested effortlessly at birth - then you'll know the feeling. You either know or you don't - there are no half-measures here - and no amount of medical or psychological training will give anyone a true understanding of what it is to feel alien, unprepared or quite simply lost in an insane world - feeling like the only sane inmate in a nuthouse.

So what do you do when you end up living and breathing on a rock crowded with people spewing strange self-contradictory language and playing endless games that you cant quite work out the point of? Some of us fake it - well enough to be functional and to be accepted amongst the "normals" . . . . only the strain of the act is exhausting, and escaping from the blatant truth that we just don't seem to fit seems the only way to make the effort bearable.

So we hide - in drugs, sex, work, adrenaline rushes, tv - marvelous oblivion that allows us to forget - just for a moment . . that we just don't really want to be here, fortifying ourselves for the moments when we have to put on the face of normalcy.

In moderation, it feels like the distractions, the moments of peace or oblivion seem like they enhance our status as "functional" beings; something like taking every third frame out of a recording - and only being required to pour energy into faking the two remaining frames . . . it's a method of survival that works for a while for many of us. 

Here's the problem however: In the third frame that we miss out on while we're blissed-out on whatever high or attraction we've chosen for that moment - a wealth of information passes us by. . .

A truism on life that really resonated for me when I first heard it - it seemed to make that firm cosmic kind of sense - is that: Life never gives us more than we can handle. It made sense in a "how I would arrange things if I were God"-sorta way - which really is only a basis for validating logic if you're supremely confident in your ability to suss the objectives of the Divine. Put that truth beside the adage that our present always prepares us for our next steps and suddenly the world - in theory - starts to make some kind of sense. This baffled me in practice, because it seldom felt true - but if you realize that all the distractions and the blissing out removes that third frame, it IS feasible that while life may well be providing you with everything you need, its also feasible that you are missing every third page of the unfolding picture.

And so the survival mechanism compounds the problem and instead of being more able to deal with life and its incongruency, we become less and less able to cope. This is the entry-point of the spiral - where feeling less prepared for living and more helpless leads to more moments of numbness . . . and in all the chaos, most of us loose the plot entirely.

I don't think it matters what form the addiction takes - some are more or less physically harmful - perhaps depending on how intense our self-destructive tendencies - but the real issue is not - as most programs or "treatments" seem to propose - the substance or the behavior - but rather the underlying truth, that we just don't "get" what everyone else is on about. How could it be possible to get through our days without overwhelming pain and helplessness in a world so devoid of love and compassion? Are we really the crazy ones?

So what's the real problem then? I mean there really isn't an instruction manual, and its not true that some of us don't get it - so what's really at the root of all this. Well to speak to this I can only speak from personal perspective and that is that quite honestly - I think anyone who looks outside their window - wherever they are in the world - and sees all the pain, poverty, dishonesty, distrust and meanness - and I stress the last as the worst of them all - and seeing all this DOESN'T feel helpless, unprepared and terrified . . . . HAS to be half-dead or numb.

I'm proposing a theory here that it is the addicts amongst us that really do see the world the way it is - and that the only thing that would possibly make the dust heap that we see acceptable, would be confirmation of some higher purpose - some spiritual truth that would make it all worthwhile. Confirmation that there is some Divine plan that winds through all of this.

I believe that it's the souls who are more sensitive to the world - perhaps ahead of the curve on spiritual evolution - that reject the world - that ARE sane, and unfortunately it is this sanity that causes them so much pain.

On a Narc-Anon website I found this quote:

"The Addict is the true seeker, constantly yearning for the "something more" and finding only temporal substitutes in form".

And there it is at last, the real hunger, the real yearning is for spirit, for truth - the antidote for the banality of the world. Surrendering to a Higher Power therefore WORKS as an anti-dote for some to the helplessness and confusion. Just admitting that we don't want to be here because really this place SUCKS can also be a huge relief - not as a step towards actually NOT being here - but as a step towards self-acceptance and peace. And in this world where babies are killed, children abused and honesty is a rare gem - just what is it that we should want to be around for??? Well, to that I found my own answer, and it brings me peace - but we all have to find our own peace with this. For me I'm happy to admit that I don't want to be here - but also acknowledge that I am and that in itself puts me in a position to DO something about the world that's so lacking in love, kindness and joy. If we don't like the way something is - we have two choices - walk away, or change it. Since life is just too big to actually walk away from (and if some sources are to be believed we cant actually ever walk far enough to get away from life itself, whether physical or spiritual) - being a force for changing things really IS the only viable choice . . . . but it all starts with acceptance that we're not "nuts" to reject the world or to feel like we're the only ones who missed the handing out of the manual for surviving. 

Not wanting to be here doesn't mean we're necessarily suicidal and best dressed in white jackets or permanently in a "medicated" haze - and saying everyday that we're this or that kind of addict is redundant and serves only to affirm the addiction. 

How about taking that true journey? How about digging through all those thoughts we suppressed on the "wrongness" of the world and considering perhaps that you're one of the more sensitive and not necessarily wrong members of the human race that really do "feel" the world as it is? Are we - the addicts of the world - really merely a symptom of a larger global problem - or perhaps are we a key to the solution. Perhaps rejection of the way the world is might not be such an unenlightened response after all, and those that are more sensitive could possibly do something about it - rather than cutting out random sections of life in hazes, how about making every effort to ensure that the next generation of sensitives that are born onto this planet, find the world a little less painful than we did. 

There IS bliss out there, the tools to get through the days of dust and desperation are out there. Some find it in Faith, others in helping others or in living their passion - but here's the word from a proud overly-sensitive addictive personality that's made it to here - there ARE more answers out there, use your sensitivity to find what they are for you.   

If you're a functioning addict, make peace with yourself, embrace the origin of your addictions and know that it doesn't make you "less" - in fact it may say that you're more alive than so many others out there. Channeled correctly, rejection of all that is wrong with the world is not necessarily a bad thing.

Be kind to you.