Koshana

This is something I heard a long time ago - "enough is the moment unto itself" - and it really lead me to an experience of and understanding of "enough" that I had never touched before.

As an addictive personality, I always avoided complete presence - I was always distracting myself from the experience of a true present with all sorts of distractions. Its like having a hole in your soul that nothing ever seems to satiate . . . . so nothing is ever "enough" of an experience to deliver a true present . . . unless its extreme experience that demands a true presence . . . . 

When I eventually discovered that it was the quality of MY attention and presence in a moment that determined the quality of my experience - I truly discovered the secret of "enough". Enough is always just all of yourself in a moment - open, receptive and listening to what life has to show you and tell you in a moment. Life can NEVER be lacking when we truly show up - with all of ourselves . . . in fact it is often overwhelming in its intensity.

Although I used to live in avoidance of the moment - its been so long now of just showing up and embracing moments, that I had forgotten what it even looked like to NOT want to be fully present. Sometimes when there's something we fear - we hold back from experiences and in that way make them less .  . .and so life has shown me again what it looks like NOT to want to be present in a moment with my eyes wide open and experiencing every nuance - in truth! And for the second time, I truly know that there is nothing that compares with true honest present experience . . .

Enough is the moment unto itself . . . . if your attention and presence are committed to the moment . . . .if not, you're only ever living pieces of your life. 

And to everyone who has lost the experience of a true present - I truly believe that just by putting "out there" the intention to reclaim your true present . . . life will guide you back to your truth . . . and there is truly nothing that compares!

 Love and light

Hello world (in general . . . . even universe if any friendly Martian happens to surf on by :-)

It seems that people all over are having a harder time of life in general . . . but there's a unity of suffering that's coming out of that that seems to be forming some kind of foundation for recognising the intrinsic unity of humanity . . . . and within that perspective, I feel so blessed - so certain that really our faith and imaginings - good or bad - really do help to create our reality.

I've been doing a great job of creating a great reality lately - in business, in friends . . . . and I really had reached a level of presence and peace that had me picking out my wings and halo and getting ready to ascend! :-) And life just has such a sense of humour doesn't it? Its in the areas of our deepest choas (interpersonal relationships) that really highlight any cracks in the plaster isn't it?

 I wonder sometimes at the connundrum of thought - overthinking vrs not enough thinking etc etc. Sometimes just doing really does give perspective . . .and yet unthought-out action can really be dangerous. So where is the balance? Think  . . .. ahh yes, but then there's a point where one just has to DO - and not expect perfection of ourselves. 

And sometimes in the spaces between the thinking, life sends us gifts - little messages and inspirations - that add to the process of digestion and we end up with a more complete picture. . . . Last eve - taking a break from contemplating a rather difficult complexity - the movie "V" offered me a pearl of wisdom in the line that all we need is an inch of absolute integrity - but within that inch - whatever happens, we are absolutely free. 

I'm absolutely sure on this score - this life is all about YOU (or from my perspective of course - ME) - its really not about anyone else, and anything anyone else brings up for you is YOUR challenge to overcome. You have to make your choices in absolute integrity in YOUR own life and space, and let everyone else have the space to do the same without judgement . . . . .simple concept - challenging application. But what a different world it would be if people actually did that!

 Love and light all - keep passing open windows!

There's a quote in a book I'm reading about how relationships come to you to show you the things you've disowned in yourself. One of the roots of so much conflict in relationship is projection, seeing things reflected in another person that you really have not come to terms with in yourself. When you can truly embrace - holistically - the people that manifest the things in you that are your challenge to work through, that's when you know you've reached a point of self-acceptance that is healthy.

I have a very dear friend that is attracted to women in general - and could possibly wear the label CAD . . . but here's the thing - in reaching a level of acceptance and faith in his process, the gift to me is acceptance of all my past missteps and faith in my own process. I really do know that when we choose love and welcoming and trust over rejection, fear and anger, we open ourselves to receive incredible gifts that truly deepen our experience of living.

Apreciate everyone and everything in your life and celebrate it - and life will give you joy and peace in abundance in return. Anger is easy, love is the prize worth fighting for!

Hey there beautiful fellow planet-dwellers!

I stumbled on a fantastic book a few weeks ago that has me in a particularly Zen frame of mind - its called Seeds for the Soul and the author has the unfortunate name of Chuck Hilling. Don't be put off . . . I know, the idea that a fellow called Chuck could have any profundities to offer the world at large may be a stumbling block for a few, but nestled within those pages are words of wisdom that came to me at the perfect moment - to give me just what I needed to overcome a particular challenge.

We're in a world littered with ideas on how to go out there and create what you want, manifest, secure and claim! . . .. Have you ever noticed however that the VERY BEST things in life are the ones you dream of, plan for . . and then effortlessly manifest? I forget this one quite a lot - A-type personality here with a perfectionist frame of reference and yet when I remember - to "let go and let God" - the most beautiful things really do fall into place effortlessly.

I heard of a workshop once where people would find the word or phrase (or verb) that - if implemented in their lives would bring them joy and peace . . . . I have to think my word is still "stop". Stop all the efforting and the DOings . . . . . and try BEing more, immersed in faith and dressed with gratitude.

Like the air, water, our babyhood basics, what will truly serve us will come to us effortlessly . .. . and be perfect!

Don't forget either to celebrate the perfect people in your life - and everyone with whom you share a bond of love and respect IS perfect! Just as you are in this present moment J

Keep passing open windows all!

It came to me the other day when I was musing over a relationship that had had loads of potential and promise, but just didn't get off to a good start. Funny how in life we are willing to give something a go (bike-riding perhaps) and if we slip, we pick ourselves up and carry on again - but somehow in relationship there is this assumption that since the best part of a relationship is supposed to be in the very beginning (the assumed hot and headdy period) then if something goes wrong in the beginning, it should be tickets for that and off we go to find annother "victim" :-).

I was cooking at the time and I made the connection for myself between relationships and "cooking partners". You choose a recipe together and both arrive with a set of ingredients which, if added together would possibly make a great dish. But then you burn the onions first off . . . . so what do you do? Throw out the recipe? Start again with a new cooking partner? Well no, logic suggests that we throw out the spoiled bit, learn from it and start again. If all the right ingredients WERE there (of course if something fundamental is missing then finding a new partner IS one way to go . . . but even perhaps sharing what is missing can encourage the other to bring it in . . . . . )

Dont know how far we could stretch the analogy, but I'm thinking that people give up on each other far too easily and as a result, there's seldom much deep ego-less sharing that goes on.

Here it is from a girl who is so tired of the "getting to know you" process that she avidly avoids new people! Unless your cooking partner truly turns up with less ingredients than you can possibly stand - hang in there and take the blame out of the process. Afterall, allowing others and ourselves room to mess up from time to time makes us all incredibly healthy and human doesn't it?

I'm still sure that the cooking partner of my dreams is out there somewhere - probably making an inedible stew with someone else right now - and I choose to believe that he's not here yet - because we both need to be that much more fabulous for each other than we would be today - dont the best things take the longest to cook? :-)

Keep passing open windows!

Hey there earthlings (and any other planetary beings that may - by some random miracle - may have ended up here too)

So here we all are - and this it seems is LIFE - well this dimension and soon-to-be historical excerpt of it anyway - and as times go . . . it's a pretty amazing time to be alive. Techno-boom, the Promise of World Peace (or the conceptual hope of it anyway) - discovering the miraculous power of the "self" - exploring equality, ploughing into the true meaning of freedom... what a day!

And so we turn up, in the cafeteria of LIFE and we project a holographic menu of possibilities - all recordings of things we've seen, experienced, viewed on TV or heard about . . .. and we send our orders out to the Cosmic Kitchen. Hmmmm, yeah! I'll have one of those!  Ooops, no wait . . . one of THOSE would be much better . . . and then ten minutes later . . . no wait - forget that . . . I'd much rather one of these . . .

And the Angelic Dudes and Dudettes scuttle back and forth amending, rearranging and adjusting our orders till their notepads are an illiterate mess and I imagine them all sitting down en mass and waiting for something that sounds like a finite decision that will last for more than a day . . . . some of these orders take a reeeeally long time to cook up too . . .and the liklhood of us fickle-hearted fashion junkie human beings NOT canceling a really tough order before it even GETS to manifest is about 90%. So just IMAGINE how much energy is going to waste!

The core issue here is - what on earth do we actually want?? And then its what do we really want Enough to give time and space for it to manifest? We've by now heard most of the positive thinking guru's and their diatribes about creating whatever you want - and I for one KNOW this to be true . . . .I don't even think that's the hard part. The hard part is wading through all the "must's" "should" "could's" of social conditioning and the flavour of this moment to what you, as your unique and self-nurturing self, REALLY WANT - and to figure that our you have to take that journey into the realm of "what if?".

What if anything were possible? What if you could do whatever you chose to . . . what if you could say anything? Clearing the slates of the must, could and should paradigms there's just you and this moment - now what if?

A lot of it is a journey . . . finding out what we really want. A friend of mine recently thought she wanted A particular man for just one day . . . or two or three but not really for anything close to a change of seasons. Along the way she discovered that really, she was dishonouring her truth - TO HERSELF - so how can we be honest with the Universe if we don't take the time to take ourselves aside and ask ourselves honestly, really deepy and truly, what we REALLY want.

Honesty is so often the glue that holds clarity and peace in place, and if we cant be honest with ourselves - we stand to hurt others along the way that buy into the lies we've told ourselves. The man who imagines he wants to be in a relationship only to find out when he gets there that really, that wasn't what he really wanted at all, or the woman who really wants to find a way to get her husband back and ends up having an affair with a man who reminds her of who she ell in love with in the first place.

What do we really want? Its possibly the most important question facing mankind today - especially in the light of knowing that if we could figure it out, for more than a few moments - the likelihood is we could manifest all of it . . . . . which means going down a few layers too.

Me? I want a home of my own again . . . but I'm not sure that I want to live alone in it. I want a new car . . . but I really don't know if I care what it is as long as it meets a few choice requirements. I want a man who's not afraid to show me who he is and stand naked before me and show me his soul . . . . and I'd like to know that this man will be around for all my tomorrows. I've done all the complex things now (or at least all the complex things that I thought were interesting) and I find myself drifting closer to simplicity. Clarity, knowing, love and simplicity. Simple beautiful human living immersed in success productivity and generosity. And while I know that I want all this in my quiet moments - the ton of sophisticated b/s that floats through my mind in moments during any one given day would also be giving the Cosmic Kitchen servers the hardest possible time!

I'm thinking perhaps its better to keep our Cosmic Kitchen orders to the big - blanket stuff. I want to be happy, make other people happy and heal some corner of the world. I want to dance with joy and give joy - smile much and nurture good wholesome friendships. Perhaps if we stick to the big things - the things that make our sould a little bit brighter and leave the form of the delivery up to the Universe, perhaps then we wont need to be changing the orders every few days/minutes and maybe, just maybe, we'll find the peace we all truly long for.

Just a thought ....... use it, don't . . . . whatever. :-)

Keep passing open windows.

I admit I have a particularly dark and twisty relationship with the opposite sex - my programming on the matter was - while quite common for this day and age - less than ideal and I experienced "regular guys" - not from the perspective of a "girl" but from within the boy camp. I was too tall and different to play out the boy-girl dynamic as a child, so I advised my guy-friends on how to impress the girls and arranged secret hook-ups between the particpants of budding romances.

Decades later, I'm more of a "girl" than I ever was and I realize I missed out on all the gentle boy-girl forays. I can apreciate boys now from another place - all those cars, bikes, pictures of half-naked cover-girls and rock posters are not nearly as sleazy as the social judgement polls seem to suggest they are. What would we prefer ladies? Pictures of bunny rabbits and old men?

Of course we want the chaps to apreciate the female form, enoy speed, thumping rock music and admire zippy bikes - its what makes them the guys we love! Of course there's a line where it all gets sleazy and completely unappealing, but any well-balanced chap will find that line for himself. 

My personal favourite is the identification with "warroirs" of old - dragon-slayers and Knights in shining armor. What a better way for a chap to demonstrate that he does indeed have a "warrior spirit" than to load a game of slaying baddies on Wii and feel like a champion.

I think the majority of men have a long way to go before they find the best expression of the male essence in todays world - where they can be secure in their manhood and not be intimidated by strong women or each other . . . see themselves each and all as unique expressions of an energy that women have loved for centuries . . .but I do think the path to there is littered with loud rock music, dragon-slaying and discreet artwork that glorifies and doesn't disrespect the female form.

There's such nobility in the evolved man, and personally, I cant wait for the majority of men to get out of their own way and find it!

Addiction - Symptom or affliction?

This I know for sure - addiction is not the worst possible reaction to finding the world overwhelming. If you looked around you in your childhood and early teens and felt like the only one of your circle of friends or family that didn't get a copy of whatever elusive instruction book everyone else seemed to have ingested effortlessly at birth - then you'll know the feeling. You either know or you don't - there are no half-measures here - and no amount of medical or psychological training will give anyone a true understanding of what it is to feel alien, unprepared or quite simply lost in an insane world - feeling like the only sane inmate in a nuthouse.

So what do you do when you end up living and breathing on a rock crowded with people spewing strange self-contradictory language and playing endless games that you cant quite work out the point of? Some of us fake it - well enough to be functional and to be accepted amongst the "normals" . . . . only the strain of the act is exhausting, and escaping from the blatant truth that we just don't seem to fit seems the only way to make the effort bearable.

So we hide - in drugs, sex, work, adrenaline rushes, tv - marvelous oblivion that allows us to forget - just for a moment . . that we just don't really want to be here, fortifying ourselves for the moments when we have to put on the face of normalcy.

In moderation, it feels like the distractions, the moments of peace or oblivion seem like they enhance our status as "functional" beings; something like taking every third frame out of a recording - and only being required to pour energy into faking the two remaining frames . . . it's a method of survival that works for a while for many of us. 

Here's the problem however: In the third frame that we miss out on while we're blissed-out on whatever high or attraction we've chosen for that moment - a wealth of information passes us by. . .

A truism on life that really resonated for me when I first heard it - it seemed to make that firm cosmic kind of sense - is that: Life never gives us more than we can handle. It made sense in a "how I would arrange things if I were God"-sorta way - which really is only a basis for validating logic if you're supremely confident in your ability to suss the objectives of the Divine. Put that truth beside the adage that our present always prepares us for our next steps and suddenly the world - in theory - starts to make some kind of sense. This baffled me in practice, because it seldom felt true - but if you realize that all the distractions and the blissing out removes that third frame, it IS feasible that while life may well be providing you with everything you need, its also feasible that you are missing every third page of the unfolding picture.

And so the survival mechanism compounds the problem and instead of being more able to deal with life and its incongruency, we become less and less able to cope. This is the entry-point of the spiral - where feeling less prepared for living and more helpless leads to more moments of numbness . . . and in all the chaos, most of us loose the plot entirely.

I don't think it matters what form the addiction takes - some are more or less physically harmful - perhaps depending on how intense our self-destructive tendencies - but the real issue is not - as most programs or "treatments" seem to propose - the substance or the behavior - but rather the underlying truth, that we just don't "get" what everyone else is on about. How could it be possible to get through our days without overwhelming pain and helplessness in a world so devoid of love and compassion? Are we really the crazy ones?

So what's the real problem then? I mean there really isn't an instruction manual, and its not true that some of us don't get it - so what's really at the root of all this. Well to speak to this I can only speak from personal perspective and that is that quite honestly - I think anyone who looks outside their window - wherever they are in the world - and sees all the pain, poverty, dishonesty, distrust and meanness - and I stress the last as the worst of them all - and seeing all this DOESN'T feel helpless, unprepared and terrified . . . . HAS to be half-dead or numb.

I'm proposing a theory here that it is the addicts amongst us that really do see the world the way it is - and that the only thing that would possibly make the dust heap that we see acceptable, would be confirmation of some higher purpose - some spiritual truth that would make it all worthwhile. Confirmation that there is some Divine plan that winds through all of this.

I believe that it's the souls who are more sensitive to the world - perhaps ahead of the curve on spiritual evolution - that reject the world - that ARE sane, and unfortunately it is this sanity that causes them so much pain.

On a Narc-Anon website I found this quote:

"The Addict is the true seeker, constantly yearning for the "something more" and finding only temporal substitutes in form".

And there it is at last, the real hunger, the real yearning is for spirit, for truth - the antidote for the banality of the world. Surrendering to a Higher Power therefore WORKS as an anti-dote for some to the helplessness and confusion. Just admitting that we don't want to be here because really this place SUCKS can also be a huge relief - not as a step towards actually NOT being here - but as a step towards self-acceptance and peace. And in this world where babies are killed, children abused and honesty is a rare gem - just what is it that we should want to be around for??? Well, to that I found my own answer, and it brings me peace - but we all have to find our own peace with this. For me I'm happy to admit that I don't want to be here - but also acknowledge that I am and that in itself puts me in a position to DO something about the world that's so lacking in love, kindness and joy. If we don't like the way something is - we have two choices - walk away, or change it. Since life is just too big to actually walk away from (and if some sources are to be believed we cant actually ever walk far enough to get away from life itself, whether physical or spiritual) - being a force for changing things really IS the only viable choice . . . . but it all starts with acceptance that we're not "nuts" to reject the world or to feel like we're the only ones who missed the handing out of the manual for surviving. 

Not wanting to be here doesn't mean we're necessarily suicidal and best dressed in white jackets or permanently in a "medicated" haze - and saying everyday that we're this or that kind of addict is redundant and serves only to affirm the addiction. 

How about taking that true journey? How about digging through all those thoughts we suppressed on the "wrongness" of the world and considering perhaps that you're one of the more sensitive and not necessarily wrong members of the human race that really do "feel" the world as it is? Are we - the addicts of the world - really merely a symptom of a larger global problem - or perhaps are we a key to the solution. Perhaps rejection of the way the world is might not be such an unenlightened response after all, and those that are more sensitive could possibly do something about it - rather than cutting out random sections of life in hazes, how about making every effort to ensure that the next generation of sensitives that are born onto this planet, find the world a little less painful than we did. 

There IS bliss out there, the tools to get through the days of dust and desperation are out there. Some find it in Faith, others in helping others or in living their passion - but here's the word from a proud overly-sensitive addictive personality that's made it to here - there ARE more answers out there, use your sensitivity to find what they are for you.   

If you're a functioning addict, make peace with yourself, embrace the origin of your addictions and know that it doesn't make you "less" - in fact it may say that you're more alive than so many others out there. Channeled correctly, rejection of all that is wrong with the world is not necessarily a bad thing.

Be kind to you.

My encounter in India was remarkable. Besides being able to spend time at the foot of the Lotus temple, I made fast friends with the hotel Housekeeper on my floor - Bal Krishna. Sincerely helpful, positive and smiling, Bal was definitely one of the high-lights of my travels.

So much of the time we go through life encountering countless individuals that fade into the recesses of memory, and then there will be one individual that stands out and teaches us about ourselves and life, simply by being there.

Bal is a simple man, who made the uncommon decision to educate his daughter in a country where women are still not really recognized as deserving of every chance to better themselves. He holds fast to faith and follows his inner knowing without question and trusts his Higher Power to show him his next steps.

Through his simple dedication he has done very well and exudes peace and contentment. A truly admirable human being who reminded me of the simplicity of Faith.

While most of India feels hungry and needy, Bal Krishna, the Lotus Temple of course and the shrine of Ghandi impressed me most with their peace, tranquility and the lasting sense of being blessed simply to have encountered them.

We never know what ripple effects our kindnesses and moments of sharing will have - but I do believe that if humanity truly wanted to - we could change the face of this planet for the better in under a day - just by sharing more of ourselves and spreading kindness and compassion.

Here's to Bal Krishna! The Gem of New Delhi! 

I am often surprised by the question - "what do you do when you're not working?". Well, yes, I understand the question, I just have difficulty contextualising it in my life. You see I'm deeply blessed to be doing something I love, following my passion - so work and "not-work" space tends to gray.

I grew up reading about how work - done with the fullness of one's heart - was concidered "worship". Reading about "being of service to humanity" and how we serve God by serving mankind. Later I found it impossible to fill my days with actions that did NOT serve humanity (in some small way) or within which I could not truly feel that I was worshiping. The potential dillema here is when an occupation for example demands some level of dishonesty - that just seems impossible under the banner of "worship". 

I dont know quite how long it took, 5 or 6 years perhaps - but eventually I found myself less and less in moments that did not have the potential to have some small impact on the Prosperity of "people" in general. Believing that your daily actions are a spiritual undertaking really puts things in a different perspective.

However at the same time, this does not mean that we need to live in Poverty. Perhaps the luxury cars and gold-plated taps mean less to those who find themselves in their relationship to the Divine more than in "things" - so we do not see many "social entrepreneurs" with all the diamond trappings - but service to humanity in no way means we have to live in cardboard boxes.

How different would the world look if each person arrived at their occupation each day as if arriving at the Holy Ground of their God and performed their work as "service to humanity".

That's the world I want to be arround to see manifest!